The Radical Mystic

A Last Thought for 2010

2010-12-24T14:15:00.001-07:00

I have been spending a lot of time witnessing my own process. Witnessing the split between my higher, spiritual, totally connected to God self and my human self. There is so much that I know and understand about the unification yet I find myself falling into the trap of not believing in that knowing.

My Human Self wants to remain the same – small, inconspicuous, and living in duality. So, each time I work toward my goal of living in the place where I know (and am) God, my Human self jumps in to interfere. Not a very comfortable place to live at all! So, I have been witnessing, watching, and evaluating. What I have come to is the knowledge that I have core beliefs about my human self that are embedded in me at a cellular level. When I attain my God Self, this doesn’t really matter at all, but my Human Self, seems to want to be in control and is threatened by the potential loss of itself, so it frequently rears its head.

When my Human Self tries to be in control, I am prone to enter the realm of feelings and begin to judge myself. This leads to fear and getting caught in the realm of the mind. I tend to lose sight of the place where God and I are one – or my God Self. Each time I cycle through this, however, my understanding becomes clearer and I get closer and closer to the place of unification. Oh, how I long for the time when I don’t have to go through these cycles anymore!

What I have received this time around is the key to the knowledge of how to deal with these cellular memories. As always, it is very simple. I fill those cells with the Light of God, which is much more powerful than the Human self memories. When I see the Light of God in each of my cells I feel the Love of God within me. This is a feeling very difficult to describe but suffice it to say that it is wonderful. Having attained this state led to an extremely powerful dream – or maybe it was a vision or life review:

The dream began in a prison, and I was a prisoner. After an unspecified amount of time I went with a group to a larger prison. Somehow, I was separated from the group and the leader or warden. There were one or two other prisoners with me and as we were roaming around we were eventually told where the rest of the group had gone – upstairs. When I rejoined the larger group, the leader was berating me however I pointed out to him that I was never told the plan or where we were going.

As I woke up, I realized this represented my Human life. I spent many years in my Human Self prison without a map or guidance. Going upstairs meant finding my way yet still being judged. Speaking up to the leader was my way of empowering myself into the Light-filled cell level of existence. This of course is very fresh right now but my goal, as we head toward the time of Ascent, is to embrace this new Light-filled existence and anchor it in such a way that I am able to hang onto it and spend the majority of this existence here.

Namaste.

WE ARE ALL AVATARS

2010-07-25T08:54:00.000-06:00

Several weeks ago I had to undergo a nuclear medicine scan as the final step in diagnosing a medical condition. For six weeks I was not allowed to take my thyroid medication and this left me tired, irritable, and generally not feeling well. On top of this, I am quite (maybe very is a better adjective) claustrophobic and was anxious about the possibility of being “pinned” under some big medical machine.

Rather than take tranquilizers, which was one option, I opted to meditate my way through this 2 hour 45 minute scan. When I first arrived at the local hospital for my scan, the first thing the technician asked me was whether or not I knew it was a long test. This was not the first time that fact had been mentioned, so I answered in the affirmative. As we started, she told me I was required to lie still for 2 hours. Perfectly still. Oy.

Being the obedient person that I am, I settled in as comfortably as possible and prepared myself to be still for that length of time. I soon realized that this was not a claustrophobia provoking set up but the machine was still pretty darn close to me. I began chanting the Names of God that were given me at my initiation onto the Path of Sound and Light. I chanted and chanted. After a while, I decided to call on my Spiritual Teachers to appear in their Radiant Forms. My spiritual path teaches that our teachers lead us back home to God. Sometimes they are visible as blue and purple light but they may also appear in their radiant forms. I interpret this to mean they look like their human forms but in a more translucent, astral version

Normally, when I meditate, I wait for the colored light. This may have been the first time I called on them to appear in Radiant Form. I found myself observing my Radiant Form rise up to meet with them. Together we all traveled to the place where Soul meets God. I found myself at the place where my Divine Spark met with Divinity. I have been to this place in the past and it is a very wonderful place to be.

While there, I found myself being shown two very important Truths. The first is that our Souls animate our bodies. As we are Spiritual Beings enjoying (or sometimes not so much enjoying) a Human Experience, it is our Spirit, or Soul, that gives or human bodies their life force. This reminded me of the movie, “Avatar”, that was such a hit last winter. In the movie, the humans animated the Avatars that were made in the image of the inhabitants of the planet “Pandora”. In the “truth” I was shown, the experience of soul animating human body was quite similar.

This realization led to the second Truth. After our bodies are gone, after our human experience is complete and we die, our essence in the form of Soul continues. We do not end. Death is not an ending to our existence. We, as Souls, continue on and nothing really changes at all for us – except for the fact that we are free from illusion of the limitations of being “human”.

Namaste!

Detachment

2010-04-23T09:26:00.001-06:00

I am highly aware that I have not posted anything for a very long time. I occasionally think about my being "quiet". I have wondered whether or not my interest in reaching out has waned. Maybe it is time to take down the website. Still, I left the website intact and turned back to my solitude. Where did my excitement and passion disappear? Why have things come to an apparent standstill? Was the past year just a "phase" I was going through?

Now I believe I have some answers. As I have been progressing down my Spiritual path, I have been aware of going deeper and deeper within. The direction of my path, as defined by my Spiritual teachers, is inward and upward, and I find myself definitely being pulled in that direction. I have been taught that the means to this end is to focus on "God first, God only"; practice love, acceptance, and forgiveness; and to release all attachment to the outcome of events or situations. I work toward this mainly through my practice of meditating on the Names of God.

Now, I have been an introvert all my life - or at least as far back as I can remember - so going within is a no-brainer for me. While going within prior to initiation on my Spiritual path, my mind would take over and most times I became overwhelmed by thoughts. This was not conducive to feeling connected to Spirit. Meditation is a means to short-circuit the over thinking process. I am able to stop my mind, listen for the sound of God, and watch for the light of God.

As I progress along the path, I am finding myself more and more in the state of detachment I have mentioned in a prior post. Of the many definitions I can find for this word, the one that fits closest is "aloofness, as from worldly affairs or from the concerns of others". The word "aloof" does not quite fit, though, for rather than feeling disinterested or apart, I have grown into the role of bearing witness to events and people surrounding me. By bearing witness, I can be present to things and people around me without having to take the issues on as my own. I also notice that I am bearing witness to my life without becoming too emotionally involved in it. I find this very liberating!

Our minds and our emotions tend to rule us and for me, they are the reason I stray off the Spiritual path. When I find myself caught up in thoughts I know this is a sign that I am not maintaining my focus on God. When my emotions are triggered, I know an area of my life in need of healing has been exposed. And when I am in a state of detachment, I know that I am exactly where I am supposed to be - in connection with all that is, the great I AM. And all is good.

Namaste!

Living in the Silence

2009-11-28T13:27:00.002-07:00

Things have been quiet lately. I have been quiet lately. Sometimes I begin to wonder whether or not I am being too quiet, or perhaps am becoming apathetic. When I start to think this, I begin to realize that I have entered into a state of detachment. I have no expectations or attachments to any specific outcome. I am perfectly content just "being". And there is absolutely nothing wrong with that.

As a spiritual being having a human experience, I find myself in the place of moving closer and closer to Spirit. I feel this during my meditation. I wake up knowing I have just returned from Mystery School, which is a place of spiritual learning I first visited during sleep almost two years ago. I also am noticing that I am no longer becoming entangled in emotions and work very hard at not getting stuck in my mind. For me, as for many, these are the two biggest obstacles to maintaining my connection with Spirit.

These new places sometimes catch me unaware. When I no longer live in the drama and trauma of the Third Dimension, I am freeing myself up to ascend to the Fifth Dimension. But along with the freedom comes a sense of loss. Who am I if I am not getting caught up in emotions or thinking obsessively? How do I define myself now? How will others experience me as I am manifesting a paradigm shift that they know nothing about? Especially when those others are family and friends.

One answer that comes to me is that it doesn't matter. Nothing matters except God. To reach God, in my experience, it is imperative that I transcend the realms of emotion and mind. And by doing this, I go to a place that is truly beyond words. How can one describe merging with God by using mere words? There is no way in my experience that something that huge and all transcendent can be distilled into written or spoken words. And so, I find myself detached from things of the world, turning more and more inward and becoming more and more quiet. I stop judging myself as being apathetic and simply allow the Loving to envelop me. It is ALL God, and God is GOOD.

Namaste!

Never Mind

2009-08-03T18:51:00.012-06:00

I have recently been struggling with the concept of "mind". On my meditation path, the mind is considered one of the realms that must be navigated in order to reach the soul level and beyond. Returning to Soul is returning home to God and our God-self, which is the ultimate goal for the person who ascribes to the belief that we are spiritual beings having a human experience.

Based on my own personal experience, as well as conversations with friends, I am learning that the mind tends to create obstacles to the process of returning to soul. It is a "trickster". In an effort to remain in control, the mind does everything in its power to keep us in the third dimension by throwing us into our emotions and by asking us to come up with explanations for everything that is happening in us, to us, around us, and through us. Both emotions and explanations cause us to focus on the lower realms. We tend to become attached to the need to know what is going on and why we feel the way we do. This becomes distracting noise that throws us off track.

So, what can we do to move beyond this? Although it is not an easy task, I believe we serve ourselves best by learning to detach from our feelings and our need to have an explanation for everything. One means to accomplish this is to turn everything over to God. Anything that is not of God is, after all, an illusion. Our human lives are merely temporary - Spirit's vehicle for manifesting a human experience. As we move toward ascension to the fifth dimension, we no longer need to focus on the human experience because we are moving back to Spirit and God. As we move toward the new paradigm, we learn to recognize our emotions as pointers to the holes in our soul that are in need of repair. Once we enter the new paradigm, we realize there is nothing at all that we need - we are complete in God and no longer are slaves to our mind and feelings. We can truly say, "never mind".

Namaste!

I AM THAT, I AM

2009-06-25T10:39:00.001-06:00

I recently watched The Moses Code DVD. This was the second viewing and I found that I resonated quite well with it. For those of you that are unfamiliar with The Moses Code, the message is quite simple. God appeared to Moses in the form of a burning bush. Moses asked who was speaking to him. The answer - "I Am That I AM." The Moses Code emphasizes that the answer was truly, "I Am That, I Am". The comma being the missing "code" that changes the meaning from being the name of God to a statement that we are all One.

I am not certain I got that the first time, maybe I wasn't paying attention. But as I have been cementing myself more firmly into my God-hood or God-ness, I am finding myself resonating with this idea much more. After all, I believe in the oneness of everything and that we are all Sparks of the Divine so the "I Am That, I Am" statement makes sense to me. And since it makes sense, I have decided to take it on as a part of who I am. Or should I say, who I AM.

Even as I write this, I realize that the I AM consciousness is nothing really new and I have been living it for quite a while already. This confirms for me my belief that we know everything we need to know and our task is to remember. Maybe that is the reason I felt such a strong resonance with the message of "The Moses Code". I was being reminded of that which I already knew but perhaps let slip out of my consciousness for a while.

Things can become slippery when we lose sight of our connection to the Oneness of God. We become caught up in our emotions and our dualities and tend to forget our Divinity. We connect with our "stuff" and become caught up in fear. Then we lose sight of the most important knowing of all - the Loving of God. So, why do things get so slippery? Why are we unable to hold onto that oneness with God? Why is it so difficult to remain in that consciousness? I ask myself these questions repeatedly. I feel so wonderful when I am experiencing the Loving and the Light of God, yet I still spend more time seeking than experiencing.

The best answer that I am able to manifest is that I am still caught up in my "human experience". Yes, I am a very spiriutal being but I am also a human being. Thankfully, I am a human being very much into the process of awakening into my God-ness, so the lessons come a bit quicker these days. I am capable of seeing how my emotions and fears and experiences of the third dimension (also known as my "stuff") are manifesting to show me how to clear out old patterns and reach ever more toward the place in which God and I co-exist. This is the place where God and I meet and where I can truly see that I AM THAT, I AM!

Namaste!

Going Within

2009-05-03T08:28:00.001-06:00

I feel as though I have been very quiet lately in the spiritual sense. Almost too quiet. I believe this is a function of having been too much in the world. It seems as though I have had to try on the "worldly" persona one more time in order to realize once and for all that it does not feel comfortable at all. And I realize now that this persona probably has never been comfortable. No wonder I have never quite felt as though I "fit in" anywhere.

As I see signs in my life that being too much in the world upsets my equilibrium, I find myself trying to find solutions toward restoring balance to my life. My solution has been to go inward and upward toward God - to remember that the most important thing in my world is my connection with God. More and more I am finding that place to be my comfort zone. When I go within, I can feel God's presence in my being and that feeling is wonderful. In that place, I can release myself from the place where I judge myself and try to figure things out and find reasons for everything. I can understand that nothing other than God is real and that everything real comes from God and God's Loving.

Now I understand that the reason my equilibrium has been off is that I have been feeling pulled more into the third dimension - the dimension of emotions, duality, and worldliness. This dimension no longer fits me. It is totally uncomfortable. I am connecting more and more with the fifth dimension, which is the place of IAM, unification, and oneness with God. I am feeling very strongly pulled to leave the third behind. The next challenge is to determine how to gracefully create a bridge for myself in order to attain the connection with the fifth dimension I am feeling so called to fully enter.

As I ask this question, the answer being given to me is "go within". By going within, the importance of the third dimensional, outer world, seems to fade significantly. From this place, I feel my connection to God and let everything else dissolve. I feel the Love of God, the Peace of God, and the Essence of God. And it feels wonderful!

Namaste!

A Challenge to Find Spiritual Truth

2009-04-03T18:46:00.002-06:00

Well a funny thing happened in my life. I am not certain what to make of it. Neither am I certain what to do with it. So right now I am just sitting with it. On March 23, I began a program called Clinical Pastoral Education (CPE) with a local hospital. This can lead to certification as a chaplain, pastoral counselor, or even psychotherapist should I finish all the requirements for four units (eight for certification in psychotherapy). I started the application process late November and was accepted the end of December. This has certainly put a crimp in my free flowing lifestyle. I now have structure and stress in my life.

In my usual manner, I just plunged forward without much planning and a knowing that starting this program would be the end of my unstructured life. I seem to spend my life following "callings" and then react to the feelings that come up around my actions. I guess it might not be the best way to do things but this is definitely "my way". Now I am two weeks into the program and dealing with a lot of human "stuff" - my human "stuff" - that is coming up around my current experience. I am seeing that there are many layers to this!

The outermost layer is that of emotion. I am dealing with fear of being "incompetent" at this, fear of failure. Well, then, if the duality in my worldview is that of fear or love, I work very hard on countering my fear with connecting with the Loving of God. This does help but it is sometimes difficult for me to hold onto when I am in the thick of things. First, there is no formal training or even guidelines as to what direct ministry in the hospital is supposed to look like. Then, the various chaplains naturally all have their own distinct personalities and ways of doing things and I have received a few mixed messages about what I am supposed to do and where.

The third major hands on thing that has been creating fear for me is the fact that I had to immediately choose one night per week to be "on call". The issuses that come up for me around being on call and responsible, again with not much guidance or training but a few instructions that I have no frame of reference for, is probably the biggest hurdle for me right now. It might even be the one that seems like a "deal breaker". This issue in itself has a few layers - in addition to the competence vs. fear of being incompetent piece, I also have touched on issues of whether or not I have the energy to be woken up possibly in the middle of the night, deal with a spiritual crisis, go home, then possibly get called again. Thank goodness for back up chaplains!

Once I am able to shift into the place of God's Loving and deal with my fears, I find there are practical issues that are arising. The biggest one is how to fit in the clinical requirements and fulfill my learning contract which is to learn about three fundamental faiths. I agreed to attend services, meet with religious leaders, read about the three faiths, and write a three to five page paper. This is a full time "job" and I have been living the life of a retired person since December 2007. I miss my freedom and flexible life.

As I have been looking beyond the issues on the outer layer, I have been connecting with some of the deeper issues. For the past several months, I have been aware of my longing to not be "in the world". Ever since the veil between my human self and my spiritual self was shattered last summer, I find myself drawn much more inward and upward as opposed to outward. This path I am walking right now is forcing me back out into the world. I want to be inside, communing with Spirit and because I am being drawn away from that place, my Spiritual equilibrium seems to be seriously affected. It feels as though the ground is being moved out from under my feet. I am losing the balance I have enjoyed so much being able to know God and be in God's presence.

Now, I know that God has not gone anywhere. I also know the veil has not reformed or reconfigured itself and separated me from my spiritual self. That is an illusion. Just as my fear in the more superficial aspect of this conundrum is an illusion. God is constant. My connection to God is static. In this all there is a spiritual lesson to be learned and a spiritual truth to be discerned. My challenge is not really anything about CPE training. My challenge is about defining my Spiritual Truth.

Namaste!

Awakening To Spirit

2009-03-09T20:26:00.001-06:00

You have probably heard the phrase that states we are not human beings having a spiritual experience but spiritual beings having a human experience. Have you thought about what this really means? Do you believe it? Have you given it any thought? Can you relate to this idea?

Most of us, when we begin our human lives, are born into families that practice a specific religion or follow some type of moral code. Many, if not most, of us tend to embrace the knowing that if we follow the rules and are good, we will be rewarded in some type of afterlife. These teachings create a structure for the adherents of the belief system - a structure for organizing one's way of life and providing a goal of reaching the ideal state where one can obtain the reward for being a dutiful follower. This is religion and is created to be tribal and protective and safe.

At some point, however, it appears to be built into our DNA to start questioning the rules. Part of our growing up as humans is to rebel so that we may differentiate from our families and tribes. Some of us will be frightened as we experience this process and rush back into the fold. Many eventually make the transition from being 'religious' to calling themselves 'spiritual'. How many people do you hear say - 'I am not religious, but I am spiritual'? Do you just accept this as somebody saying the do not want to follow the rules of a specific religion or do you question what they mean when they proclaim this?

Since I am one of those people that has been known to utter this statement on many occasions, I thought it would be appropriate to explain what this means to me. I do not adhere to the rules of any specific religion but I have a very close relationship with my higher power, whom I will refer to as God or Spirit. The names mean exactly the same to me. I know that a Spark of the Divine resides within me just as it resides in each and every human being. I choose not to pray to God or Spirit, but to merge with the essence of the I AM presence since I am aware that God is in everything. And from that place of merging with God, I know that I am more than the human being I appear to be - I am part of Spirit and part of all that exists. I know that I have walked this planet in other lifetimes in other human incarnations, but at my core, it is Spirit that is inhabiting this human body.

And just as I know this about myself, I know this is true for every other human being - regardless of where they are on the spectrum of belief. We are all here, inhabiting human bodies, following rules or not, learning lessons or not - it does not matter what we believe. It does not matter because we are all from Spirit. And as we come to know this about ourselves, we are then waking up into spirit. We come to know our soul, our path, and our purpose. We know how to stand in the flow of God's Loving and alllow God's Light to shine through our human selves. And at last, we can truly own the reality that we are truly spiritual beings having a human existence and there is no reason to 'try' to be more spiritual human beings.

Namaste!

The Spirituality of Fear

2009-02-19T14:02:00.002-07:00

It seems that lately many people I know are living in fear. Mostly they are in fear about the future, particularly their economic future. Right now, I seem to be one of the few people in my "crowd" that is not worried. Maybe I should be, but I truly do not think it is necessary. Fear is a consciousness that one chooses into, or not. In truth, fear is a spiritual lesson.

In my experience, there really only is love or fear. We fear what may happen to us in the future or fear that something from our past may be haunting us. This consciousness interferes with being in the present moment. The present moment is really all we have. We are unable to return to the past to change or redo anything we might regret. And we do not really know how much future remains. Worrying about either totally drains our energy and keeps us from enjoying life as it exists for us in the "here and now". This process seems to move us away from our connection with God and Divine Love.

How, then, can fear be spiritual? It would seem that I am saying if we are in the fear consciousness, we have distanced ourselves from the spiritual consciousness. Fear is an emotion. When we feel the energy of fear, it usually is not a pleasant sensation. Something feels off or wrong. This means that fear is also a signal telling us that something is amiss. Fear is telling us that we are drifting away from our spiritual centers. We are choosing to turn away from love. If we are open spiritually, we are capable of listening to this signal or warning sign that our spiritual anchors are loosening. So, while being in a place of fear is not particularly desirable, if it serves the purpose of redirecting us back to spirit, then it most definitely serves a spiritual purpose.

From that realization, we can now see that events happening in the outer world that are causing us to react in fear are actually serving a higher purpose. Although it may seem that our "world" is crumbling around us (particularly economically), it is all an illusion - nothing in the physical world is real The only reality is our oneness with God and it is Fear that can serve as the catalyst for our moving back to Spirit and our innate connection with our spiritual selves.

Namaste!

Spark of the Divine

2009-02-13T11:43:00.001-07:00

A few years ago, the phrase “Tikkun Olam” came into my consciousness. It is a Hebrew phrase that means “repairing the world”. I decided to investigate this a bit more and this investigation led me to an interesting realization and an “aha” moment.

During my search for the meaning of Tikkun Olam”, I was introduced to the teachings of Rabbi Isaac Luria, a 16th century Kabbalist. Rabbi Luria taught that God created the world by forming vessels of light to hold the Divine Light. As the Divine Light was being poured, the vessels shattered into countless shards that were scattered into the “world”. Each shard contains a spark of the Divine Light. Humanity’s task then became to help God free and reunite the scattered Light, raising the sparks back to Divinity and by doing this, restoring the “broken” world.

What came to me, upon being introduced to this concept, was that each and every human being contains the Spark of Divine within. We are all those broken shards and once we release the trapped Light, we come to know our Divinity. We release the trapped Light by repairing our own individual worlds. We come to know Love. We heal ourselves and become whole. When this knowing becomes our consciousness, we are then accomplishing our own individual Tikkun Olam.

I found this to be very exciting because, having grown up Jewish, I was never able to accept that Jesus was the messiah. In Judaism, we are taught that there will be peace in all the world when the Messiah comes. What came to me upon digesting this piece about repairing our own individual world is the thought that if we all were in touch with our own divinity, how could we. in our Divinity, possibly wage wars and kill others. Taking this one step further, I came to understand that once humanity as a whole awakes to the awareness of the Divine in every single being, then the Messiah is here. We are all messiahs who collectively are The Messiah. And, since I believe the consciousness of knowing the divine within is the core of Christ Consciousness, then The Messiah is Christ Consciousness.

So, now when I say Namaste to you, not only is the Divine in me recognizing the Divine in you, but the messiah in me is recognizing the messiah in you.

Namaste!

Getting Unstuck

2009-01-12T08:47:00.008-07:00

I have been wondering lately how people get "stuck" in their lives. I used to be stuck in the sense that I hated my job but did not feel capable of finding another. A little over two years ago, I realized that I was keeping myself in a box. My box looked like this: I started in an entry level position, moved up because I was capable of doing much more than entry level work, found that the place I was working was not nurturing to me, stayed where I was because I did not believe I could do any better. I attributed this pattern to the fact that I never pursued or nurtured a career. I married while still in college, worked a short time until my oldest daughter was born, and stayed at home raising my three daughters until I was divorced at age forty. It was a convenient excuse!

My "awakening" about how I keep myself stuck coincided with my realization that the most important thing to me was my connection with God. I began to realize how the job I was hanging onto from a place of fear was not compatible with nurturing my connection with God. My job sucked the life out of me. It left me exhausted and from that place of exhaustion, I found it easy to allow God to slip into the background. As I was becoming more in touch with myself as a Spiritual Being, I found that I was unable to tolerate being in a space where I was not keeping God in the forefront of all I do.

Without going into a lot of details, let me say that I am no longer stuck. I have been able to create a life now where God comes first - I can meditate and feel connected to God as much as I want, I feel happy and sometimes even blissful, I feel free and completely alive. I have been able to manifest this simply by trusting that all I need is God. My spiritual teachers use the phrase, "God first and God only" and I am a believer. I found that from the place of God first - or nothing is more important in my life than my connection with God - everything else falls into place. This meant I had to trust that I would be supported by the Universe as I stepped out of my box into the unknown. That seemed like a lot to ask from a person who was brought up in the energy of fear but the call of God and the Love of God turned out to be far greater than the energy of fear.

It really is easy but I believe we tend to make it hard. We make it hard until we realize that the essence of our choice comes down to Love or Fear. When we choose to stand in Love we are choosing God. When we choose to remain in Fear, we are choosing to stay in our boxes. My words to all who feel stuck is to trust the Unvierse, choose Love and God and from this place, everything else will be as it should. Namaste!

Happy Holy Days

2008-12-24T10:01:00.005-07:00

Just about a year ago, I posted the following on a blog maintained by my friend and former pastor, Robert V. Thompson. He is the author of a wonderful book called "A Voluptuous God: A Christian Heretic Speaks". The entry was titled "It's Tough Being a Jew at Chritsmas". I believe it is worth repeating:

My youngest daughter, Carrie, now almost 27 years of age, told me this recently. She works as a kindergarten teacher in a day care center at a Presbyterian church in Deerfield. Her frame of reference was receiving a ginger bread Nativity kit as a white elephant gift at her “work” Christmas party. My oldest daughter, Lori (age 33) sent me an “instant message” this Christmas morning which proclaimed: “you don’t know how depressing it is to be Jewish on Christmas morning”. My middle daughter, Jamie (age 30) has not checked in yet. I suspect she will not complain about being Jewish on Christmas since her husband’s family is Catholic and Jamie is determined to raise their year old daughter Jewish. Jamie has plenty of opportunity to celebrate Christmas with her in-laws and their large families and it is up to her to figure out how to navigate their holiday celebrations.

I personally spent many years feeling a mixture of relief and separation around not celebrating Christmas. As a child, I naturally felt “left out” and “different” because I did not celebrate Christmas. I wanted a Christmas tree like my friends had, and if not a Christmas tree, at least a Hanukkah bush to decorate. The first time I asked, I was told there is no such thing as a Hanukkah bush. A stocking filled with toys, etc was completely out of the question. As an adult, my feelings of relief revolved around not experiencing the stress that accompanies having to engage in all the hustle and bustle that seems to define Christmas. Along with that relief, however, I was aware of a strong sense of separation and envy.

My sense of separation and feelings of envy were not indicative of wanting to be a Christian nor of a strong desire to celebrate Christmas. After all, I celebrated Hanukkah with my family by lighting candles and exchanging gifts. Our celebrations did not come close to the extravagance of Christmas, but we did celebrate. At some point, I realized that my feelings were actually an expression of grief - a grief that I did not have something that I truly believed in - something magical and wonderful that I thought was embodied by Christianity and the Jesus that my Christian friends worshiped. I did not (nor do I now) feel engaged in Judaism as a religion. To me, Judaism is and for a long time has been my ethnic identity and, although, I was not drawn to the practice of a specific religion, I thought this meant something was missing in my life.

Quite a few years have elapsed since I deeply envied Christians their devotion to Jesus and the birth of the Messiah I am unable to accept. I spent six years attending Lake Street Church - not trying to be Christian but as a Jew who felt a very strong call to join the spiritual community that exists within the walls of that particular church. I came to know the difference between religion and spirituality. I was introduced to Jesus the mystic, rabbi, and teacher. I learned to accept the Christ that Jesus was and how he embodied the divine light that resides in each of us - a light that transcends any and all religion. I learned that I am a devout person and that the object of my devotion is my connection with God. I now focus my spiritual energy toward more deeply knowing that connection and experiencing unification with all that is - the great I AM.

A few days ago I realized that Christmas was almost upon me and I personally was not feeling any sense of disconnection to the world that celebrates Christmas. This is probably the first year since being introduced to Christmas that I have not been feeling at some level that I am missing out on something wonderful because I am Jewish and don’t celebrate Christmas. Even having my adult children complain about how tough it is to be Jewish now has not been enough to cause me to agree, commiserate, or tap into the old grief I used to feel. Their complaints did prompt me to reassess the meaning of Christmas. I found that it is no longer tough for me to be a Jew at Christmas because for me Christmas is a celebration of a very well known Jewish heretic and the message he carried about the reality of God.

I have been thinking about it this year, and while Christmas is tomorrow and Hanukkah began on Sunday at sundown, I really do not feel any energy around the holidays - Hanukkah or Christmas. In my personal belief system, every day is a holy day and I celebrate my connection and communion with God every chance I am able each and every day. So, in the spirit of the holiday season for those that celebrate the holidays (and the holy days), I want to wish you all a Happy Holy Day. May the peace and light of God be with you each and every day. Namaste!

Mia and Bubbe Part II

2008-12-16T21:04:00.008-07:00

One last note - the day after I left Minneapolis, Mia woke up and asked, "Where's Bubbe?" Reading that in an email from Jamie touched me very much. I feel much better about our relationship and being a long distance grandparent....

Unconditional Love

2008-12-16T19:53:00.006-07:00

I just returned home from a visit to Minneapolis. Hard to understand the reason a relatively sane person might travel to such a cold place in December, but there was a logical reason. Minneapolis is the home of my middle daughter, Jamie and her family. Her family includes my favorite two year old - my granddaughter Mia. I actually went to the tundra because Mia's 2nd birthday was December 14th. I am her long distance Bubbe (Yiddish for grandmother) and do not see her very often. My last visit with her was in early May.

Much of my contact with Mia prior to this visit has been listening to her say "no" when I am talking to Jamie and she asks Mia if she wants to talk to Bubbe. Needless to say, I was a bit concerned as to how she would react when Bubbe showed up to stay at her house. Jamie assured me that Mia knew Bubbe was coming for her birthday, but I still entertained a nagging doubt.

Well, I now know that there was no need to be concerned. Mia and Bubbe did quite well together. I found her to be charming, adorable, bright, and quite loving. She is quite a "sponge" and picked up things we talked about quite quickly. We bonded, laughed, acted silly, played with puzzles, colored, and watched animals on tv.

Mia stayed home from "school" (aka daycare) two of the three weekdays I was visiting. That meant that for those two days, it was just Bubbe and Mia. Since it has been about 26 years since I last chased after a two year old, I found the first day to be quite exhausting. By approximately 3:30 pm we called Mommy to see what time she would be home from work. Bubbe needed a nap! The next day, which happened to be Mia's birthday, it was decided that she should go to school to celebrate her birthday with her friends and give Bubbe a chance to rest up for that evening's planned excursion to see "Disney on Ice". Bubbe pretty much vegged out for the day.

The lesson I took from this visit is that Mia epitomized unconditional love. While it was very easy for Bubbe to love Mia unconditionally for being the cute, adorable, bright little girl that she is, Bubbe found out that Mia was very giving of unconditional love. Except for a few "crabby" moments, she always had a smile on her face. She laughed often, was very willing to give hugs and kisses, and shared her toys with me. She was open to asking for help when she needed some and also helped show Bubbe how to work the toaster and a few other appliances around the house. There was no "bartering" for her affection. Mia was an absolute pleasure to be with, despite the exhaustion that went along with playing with her for 2+ days.

I realize now that as a parent, I missed experiencing the unconditional love of a small child. Being a parent meant being totally responsible for every aspect of my childrens' care. While I was much younger when I was caring for my small children, I was unaware of the spiritual aspect of the relationships with my children. I just made it through the day, every day, doing the best I could. I now realize that I missed a whole lot. But I cannot change what was and can only work toward cementing good, spiritual relationships with my now adult children and hope for more great visits with Mia and eventually more grandchildren to visit and bond with in a new, more spiritual way. And now I know why most grandparents say it is so much easier to be the grandparent because at the end of the day (and even sometimes before the end of the day), the parents get to take over! Namaste!

For pictures of my visit to Minneapolis, feel free to visit my Picasa website:
http://picasaweb.google.com/terisandler/MinneapolisVisitWithMia#

Fallout After The Fall

2008-12-05T07:57:00.010-07:00

As noted in a previous post, I fell down about half a flight of stairs in my townhouse last July. The immediate consequence was a concussion and fractured collarbone. I am mostly healed from the physical effects of the fall but there appear to be some long term and possibly permanent changes in my life as a result of the head injury. I noticed right away that the veil between my physical and spiritual selves seemed to have disintegrated. This has been pretty positive because I feel much more connected to what I refer to as my "God place", which is the place where I feel my soul connects with the great "I AM" - the light and love of God. It feels as though I am constantly aware of the connection. Connecting with God seems effortless and constant. Woo Hoo! I like this feeling because for me, everything emanates from my connection with God. In God, everything is perfect and my life falls into place.

I began to notice something else shortly after my fall. I found myself becoming more open to things I did not really believe in the past. I am specifically referring to "channeled" messages. I used to be quite skeptical of psychic readings, tarot readings, and people who claimed they channeled spirit guides or angels. A little over a week after my fall, a friend forwarded an email pointing me in the direction of Archangel Uriel and a channel about the energies of 8/8/08. I decided to listen and found myself resonating with the message. I resonate with Archangel Uriel's messages so much that I continue to listen and actually traveled three hours (each way) recently to attend a three hour class and obtain a personal reading from the woman that channels Uriel. This is something totally unlike the old me!

I found that some of my reading confirmed things I have already realized by tuning into my own intuition. Some things were new information for me too. Prior to the Uriel reading I had opened up to allowing myself a few sessions with other psychics and the information from all seems pretty consistent - confirmation mixed with some new information. One interesting thing that came out of my Uriel reading pertains to my head injury. I was told that I am to share that suffering a head injury is not necessarily a "bad" thing. There can be a spiritual component to traumatic brain injury (the technical term).

And, of course, on one level, this is a "no brainer" (pardon the pun). When one is tapped into the spiritual realm, everything that happens can be interpreted spiritually - as part of traveling one's spiritual path, part of the human lives we spiritual beings incarnated to experience. But I choose go a bit deeper and look beyond the surface. I look at my own personal experience of having connected much more intensely with God as a result of hitting my head on the hardwood floor at the bottom of my staircase. Would I have gotten here eventually? Probably, but it might have taken a lot longer and it might have felt a lot different. Has it been an inconvenience? Most definitely - in addition to the spiritual component I also experienced emotional, physical, and cognitive consequences. I was dizzy and disoriented for a while, I cry much more easily, and I have problems with my short term memory. The physical effects are much less noticeable but I still deal with the cognitive and emotional issues.

Am I sorry it happened? I cannot really answer that question because by now my TBI has become part of who I am and I am happy with who I am and where I am at. I feel as though my fall was a fork in the road and I chose this particular road that led me to God in this particular manner. I know other roads lead to God -but this is the road I took and cannot turn back. So, I guess it is what it is and it is my task to accept what is, move on, and share my journey. And from where I am on this journey, I want to offer that suffering a TBI is not necessarily a horrible thing and can have a positive outcome. Namaste!

Notes From Along The Spiritual Path

2008-11-16T19:30:00.004-07:00

During the past few months I find myself experiencing a major shift in my consciousness. I have spent the past few years dabbling in changing my awareness away from concentrating on what is happening in my physical world toward the realization that by being in connection and communion with God, everything is perfect. I say "dabbling" because I was never quite certain that I could really believe the part about everything being perfect in God. I always had a certain amount of concern that maybe I was really not sure I could trust God. After all, who am I to think I can be connected with God and taken care of by the universe?

I was slowly becoming convinced that I was on the right track - I was trusting the knowing that we are all sparks of the divine and that by nurturing my connection with God, everything else comes with ease and flow. I found myself experiencing small miracles in my life that seemed to confirm that I was on the right track. My life seemed to be "working" pretty darn well and I started to trust more and more.

And then four months ago I was literally hit across the head by a cosmic 2 x 4. This whack came in the form of a head-first fall down about eight stairs in my home. I was knocked unconscious and subsequently sustained both a concussion and a fractured collarbone. The first thing I realized from this accident that I was lucky to not have been injured much more seriously. The second thing I find is that this was the beginning of a major growth period and shift in my consciousness.

Although my spiritual beliefs have not changed, they feel much more cemented into who I really am. The veil between my human self and my spiritual self has been disintegrated. I am much more cognizant of consistently feeling and being conscious of my connection with God. I find myself drawn to spiritual discussions that never much held my attention before - specifically discussions pertaining to the paradigm shift from the third dimention to the fifth dimension. I completely relate to what this means now and can see how this is playing out in my life.

The third dimension defines how humans have been living their lives for ages. It is a world of duality. There is right and wrong, good and bad. We feel that we don't have enough. We live in fear. We create expectations about how our lives "should" be or look. And all of this causes discomfort and pain for us. The paradigm is now shifting toward higher dimensions. There seems to be quite a bit of attention put on the fifth dimension, which is the place where we live in complete communion with God. In this place there is abundance and love. All is good and all is well. I am finding that I like this place very much. I am also finding that, while I have been experiencing this dimension for the past few years in small increments, I am now able to stay in this place the majority of the time.

I retired from my job as an automobile claims adjuster just about a year ago and have spent the past year just "being". When I retired, I had a plan to supplement retirement income with part time, contract, or temporary work. I have yet to manifest this. From time to time, I wonder whether or not I did the right thing by retiring early. I also periodically go to a place of fear about having enough money. I realize that this is going to a place of fear and lack. Sometimes I question exactly what I am doing with myself. I judge myself for not doing anything. Then I realize that I am happy with just being rather than doing. I find that this is ok.

The other morning I went to that place of questioning why I am not doing anything about finding part time work, creating an income, and being busy. And then I had a realization - a spiritual understanding. I am doing something - I am holding the energy and the light for others struggling with the paradigm shift. I can be of service to fellow travelers on this path should they be interested in assistance. It seems that sometimes being can also be doing. I think I will continue to witness this and see how things continue to unfold. Namaste!

My Road To The Ministry

2008-11-07T09:34:00.007-07:00

I was born and raised Jewish, though my background was much more secular than religious. In 1996 I joined an American Baptist church in Evanston, IL called Lake Street Church of Evanston. The year before I joined, the church membership decided to change the name from First Baptist Church of Evanston. I have heard that this was quite a process, but Lake Street Church prides itself on its interfaith work and membership that includes representation of many different religious paths. The reason I was drawn to this spiritual community is exactly that - it is a spiritual community and not a religious community. I did, however find it difficult to let my Jewish family know that I was attending a church, let alone a Baptist church. Eventually I did and while I am not sure they understood, they did accept this decision.

In 2002 I moved to Colorado Springs. For more than three years I searched for the equivalent of Lake Street Church here but was unable to find one. Eventually I found a very small, independent church to attend and shortly afterward, felt called to seek ordination through this church. Once again, my family was quite supportive, though I doubt they understand. I was ordained a non-denominational, omnifaith minister last April. While I was working toward my ordination, my Colorado Springs friends were all very aware and supportive of my endeavor. So too were my friends from Lake Street Church. Now that I have been ordained, I am feeling called to step into my ministry and include it as part of my persona. I also am very open that I am Jewish. I often wonder if people find this an odd combination - possibly because there was a time that I would have found it a very odd combination.

My belief system does not include any specific religion - it is all about spirituality and my connection to Spirit. I believe that we are all sparks of the divine and that God resides in all of us. I feel my connection with God almost all the time and meditate as often as possible in order to foster this connection. My hope is to be able to help others who may want to know this connection and feel an intimate relationship with their higher power. I interface with many people who struggle with being in a place of fear, judgment, and duality. My hope is to help them find peace through realizing what it means to be in connection with God, Spirit, or whatever name they call their Higher Power.

I have found that being in connection with God transcends the consciousness that leads us into fear. Being in connection with God is being in a place of unconditional love and acceptance. There is no need to feel there is not enough. With God everything is perfect and there is peace. To all of you who might be reading this, I wish you peace. Namaste!